Dear Doris,
It seems like such a long time since we had a good catch-up, just you and me. I am so sorry I missed your birthday and wish you many, many more. Did you and Flo have a cake and a tumbler of Croft Original in the staff room? Did any of the cross-dressing crowd turn up to take you dancing? Are your new Jean Plaidys thoughtful gifts from the few friends who haven’t met a grisly end in the months since your last anniversary?
I would press a gift upon you but, as I celebrate my own birthday in the next couple of weeks, let’s call it quits shall we? If a green tabard turns up in Itchy Ankle I really WILL be cross…
On the subject of your advancing years, a word of warning about the Cackler who I noticed has been alternately concerned and slightly menacing in her recent facebook messages. I was shocked the other day to see her mention Shady Pines. Be careful Doris–she’ll appear all sweetness and light and will offer to come down and help you remove the yellow cellophane from the windows of DBLW in the autumn; or rinse your IPADs; or give the front room a once-over with the Bissell and before you know where you are it’ll be:
“Wouldn’t Shady Pines suit you better Doris?” and “You really shouldn’t be alone Doris if you are having trouble remembering” and ” Doris, I’m sure you read that Jean Plaidy only last week”
She’ll call social services and you’ll be off to elder care and she’ll be in both the will and the till. Be sure to rebuff any attempts to have her visit the bungalow, and don’t have any truck with her suggestions of memory loss, creeping dementia or impending enfeeblement. She’s my own flesh and blood but she can be a menace–why do you think I moved here?
It’s been an enervating weekend in Itchy Ankle, what with the weather and all. Plus the airconditioning unit has sprung a leak, and the cable company can’t tell me my own wep key–or whatever they call it–so I’ve had to jump on Marilyn’s wifi until I can get a man in next week.
Gretel vetoed my first birthday outfit so I had to brave the heat (and the mall) yesterday to buy another dress. It’s sleeveless but I think bingo wings are just part of the deal at 50, don’t you? I’m going to let it all hang out–unless, by chance, you have a plus-size ochre shrug in stock?
Anyhow, hope sex with George Clooney is everything you thought it would be.
Happy, happy Birthday, Blabs.
PS If you haven’t read the Bride of Pendorric (Eleanor Hibbert writing as Victoria Holt) I can really, really recommend it. That lovely Petroc Trelawney…
Tagged: bingo wings, birthday celebrations, bissell, Blarney Crone, Bride of Pendorric, Doris Brazil, ipad, Jean Plaidy, ochre shrug, penpal, plus size, sex with George Clooney, The Cackler, turning 50
